Reflections on a Lost Kitty

Written by Jen Bernard

It’s sunset on Day 5, Pete and Aden have gone ashore in the new bay to check the beach bars out for possible places to go for NYE tomorrow night. So I am alone on the boat, and that’s when it hits me, I am alone because Dixie is missing.

I have not been alone on Steely since we got her. Dixie has always been here, the only exception is when in a marina and she is out exploring, but even then she comes back and checks on you every hour. She gives us a smooch, has a bite to eat and then she would look at us as if to say ‘see you in an hour’ and a swish of her tail and she’s out the cat door.

The guilt, the heartbreak, the devastation, the worry come crashing in and I yell and scream - I’m angry, not at Dixie but us for not doing everything we could to make her safe, she trusted us and we let her down. And then I think about her sweet cute little face that I might not see again and I just cry. I’m not ready for this to be the end of our adventure together.

She is such a loving little kitty, she brings us presents (mice when she can catch them, or her pink ribbon octopus if no mice available) she knows when we are upset and she gives us head bumps and purrs, she is the best night watch kitty doing the 1am to 5am shift with me to help keep me awake, she sleeps in funny ways that make us laugh, she is our crew mate and our family. We left family and friends behind to do this sail around the world adventure thing and that’s been harder than we realised. So we were like the dynamic trio - Pete, Me and DIxie.

I still question though why did we bring her on this journey with us, why were we so selfish. But then I realise Dixie loves us as we love her, she chose us at the rescue centre. She wouldn’t go near any other prospective new owners when in the centre. But when we saw her she came up to the door of her cage and meowed, they let her out of the cage and she jumped right into Petes lap, she then explored the meeting area we were in and when we softly called Dixie she ran back to us and head bumped and purred to us. She chose us and we fell in Iove and we became our funny little family. So how could we leave her behind? She would have felt abandoned.

And this made me realise that if we hadn’t ever left Sydney and we kept living our old life - working 5 days a week away from home 8 hours a day, we wouldn’t have spent anywhere near the amount of time that we have spent with Dixie in the last 18 months. We have been together 7 days a week for 24 hours a day! Ok maybe not always 24 hours, we do sleep (often woken though by Dixie deciding she wants pats or she just wants to cuddle up next to you), and we do go on shore excursions without Dixie but when we are on the boat it is only 50 feet so we all live in each others pockets. I am sure Dixie wishes sometimes that she wasn’t disturbed so much when she is sleeping but she is so cute. You can’t help but give her a pat, a squeeze or just tell her she is the best kitty in the world.

We were right to bring her with us.

I disintegrate when I think I may not see her again, and sailing away today was agony. Pete and I kept looking at each other with tears in our eyes trying to be strong for each other. The irony is that normally if we are upset, had a fight, or just having a bad day it is usually Dixie that pulls us out of it. She has a cat instinct of knowing when to come and demand pats. And you can’t be angry, upset, or worried when she purrs under your pats, walking back and forth between the two of us getting and giving love.

We haven’t given up and we don’t talk about the possibility of her not having made it ashore. Ok …. we have whispered our worst fears but its been late at night when we are exhausted from another fruitless day searching and we both sob in to our pillows. That’s when the guilt is at its worst and we beat ourselves up for all the things we could have done to make things safer for her. In the morning we are back to brave faces and hope, why … because the messages and love that everyone has been sending, the support and help from strangers its been amazing. It’s how we know that Dixie is a special cat - she has touched so many lives, even those that don’t like cats love Dixie and that we have to do everything possible to help Dixie come back to us.

I hope with all my heart that Dixie reunites with us - you can hear the laughs, the “I knew she would come back” exclamations, the joy, the relief and love that this chapter end would bring in the Dixie story. Keep thinking positive thoughts, keep sending suggestions and sharing her story - everything helps.

PS: I’m sorry if this is too raw and too open, we are heartbroken and being honest allows us to think and feel our way through this horrible experience and not completely lose it.